31 august 2012

My InnerSoundTears of Happines

This is going to be my very first post in English (a far from perfect English),  because I am hoping that our InnerSound  international guests will read it.  I love playing with words and putting all my heart in them, in Romanian it feels so much easier, but I will do my best to express my feelings in a foreign language.

 I want to tell the InnerSound festival story the way I felt it. It was such an emotional week for all of us,  Diana, Ada, Mihai, Catalin and me. 

On the 22th of August we met to review the last details of the event. It was a long, fruitful meeting, filled with inner jokes and laughter, but also very pragmatic and efficient. We covered all the aspects , but we remained conscious that a lot of unpredictable things were to happen.
In the end, the unpredictable exceeded our expectations :) In which way? Both practically and emotionally.

I won't bore you with the concrete details .
Instead, I will try to make you understand what this festival was about for me.

Above all, InnerSound New Arts Festival  is a dream turned into reality.  The biggest achievement of my career so far.  It is the impersonation of a demolished myth: that an artist can only work alone. Seeing that our team struggled for more than one year to make this happen gives my an unreal joy. We put together all that we have: our souls, intelligence, dedication, passion, energy, creativity. Yes, even our savings, gladly.
We fought for every event to happen, we strongly believed in our goal.   We talked a lot, we came with different ideas, but in the end, we never argued about anything work related!! Isn't that terrific? Please let me to  tell you that it is, especially for our hot Romanian blood. To be a part of a large group of young people that have an unique goal , that is a rarity in our days. It  gives you so much on the inside that is becomes overwhelming.

Then, the fact that we did it all from scratch, only form independent sources, gives us such a strong reason to go on making this festival a tradition. It empowers one.

During the first day I was experiencing a strange sensation of langour. Even though I had to speak a lot (that happened every day , I might have the strongest voice:))   ), I didn't feel that good vibe. I was too much into what was going on and too tired after the preparation for the InnerSpace, our photo exhibition.
I went to the Music University and saw a LOT of people coming, unknown faces, young and fresh and curious. I saw with pleasure also familiar faces, composers from every generation and friends. The Dublin Sound Lab show was so , so interesting, hearing the harpsichord combined with computer mediated sounds in such unusual ways! Maybe abstract for some, but truly inspiring for others. Fergal and Michel make such a good team and they have that coolness that you rarely see these days. I really, really enjoyed having them here in Romania and I am so sorry they left so early....
I didn't stay at SerpenS because I had to be at the TVR Cultural TV station to give an interview live about the festival.
Hair stylist.
Too much already!!
I looked like a Diva and suddenly I felt SO smart and prepared to promote our work. I didn't hesitate for a second and right after the interview it hit me. I am speaking during the festival. I am one of the Artistic Directors. It is happening!!!!
You can see my interview here, from minute one the InnerSound news begins.

I came back to UNMB floating. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about my make up, but the „WOWs” towards me were  really busting my ego :))
The show was over, SerpenS had a huge succes, so we went to celebrate.
This is the moment when I met Henry and Emmanuel, Anat was coming only the next day. I just fell in love instantly with their joy of life, with their sense of humor, their humanity and warmth. The kind of people you want to have as your friends for ever. We were  a big gang and the evening was amazing! I haven't  had  such a great time in ages....
 The next day I went to pick Emmanuel from the University and we went along with the chairs and stands to the Peasant Museum's back yard where the Silent Film Night was scheduled.
That is where the stress begun to get me. I was alone with the volunteers giving indications after indications, I had also to prepare the hall  and do the set-up for the first Encounters in Time in Space concert, hear a little  Laura Buruiana with my cello composition. I was truly terrible and I was conscious of that and felt Sooooo bad about it in the same time. Deadly combination :)
Finally, the people started to come, to look at the photos, to ask questions, Alexandru came punctual as always, we hugged  and his presence calmed me down almost instantly. He was so composed and  so sweet and caring and benevolent that  he took all my worries away. Thank you Alexandru Tomescu, you are the best friend ever :)

When the first concert begun, the hall was FULL of people. In  fact, we had to bring more chairs, many many more.
Tamara Dica, Alexandru and Laura gave a wonderful performance. Alexandru also spoke to the audience in his smart-funny-very kind and warm  way, he was mesmerizing.
Tamara played Cornelia Zambila's work so calmly, internalized and profound that it moved me deeply. Well done girls!  
Laura performed my Vers le Ciel which I have dedicated that evening to Bibi, the angel with blue eyes. She didn't know about it, and yet performed with  an infinite nostalgia rather than anything else, and that left everyone in deep thought, in spite of the great applause. People came to congratulate me  and told me that it was  so beautiful, but the saddest thing they have heard in a long time. Think about the power of our minds. And how we can transfer our emotions through music....it is amazing.
 And yes, things were coming together nicely.
 I went outside only to find a HUGE amount of people waiting for the dark, so that the films could be projected onto the screen. The Shorts series begun and the girls, Ana(flutes), Maria(bassoon), Tamara (viola)and Laura(cello), were doing a fantastic job.  Gabriel Bebeselea is the first young Romanian conductor to lead an ensemble playing live film music. You cannot imagine how difficult this is!! He did SO great!!!
The silent shorts were developing so interestingly , the audience was thrilled and they applauded generously after each one of them.
After the movies, Internet Opera Soul Seek, composed by Anat Spiegel was projected. What an emotional moment! What a voice! what a script!! Just goes directly to your soul.
The evening was a blast. People were asking about the performers, they wanted to buy Anat's CD's, they asked for references about the young Romanian directors, gave us their email to send them infos.
I didn't feel tired anymore, but extatic. We went home earlier and, well aware of the danger  of exhaustion to my fragile health, the InnerSound Festival team decided that I needed a little break. But who could sleep? At eight I was up and ready to take care of anything that could be done from home.
 Still, I have arrived at the concert hall only 2 hours before everything begun, to arrange (only verbaly, thank you Brigada de Voluntari!) the chairs for the audience and the set up for the Encounters, that evening with Maria Chifu, Ana Chifu and Irina Ungureanu.
Anat, Henry and Emmanuel were there for a long time to rehears the Wormsongs and they have basically needed me for a few very, very  minor details. I had no stress, finally :) But was getting really, really emotional.

 The hall was full again and the concert begun. The girls were ON!!  Maria, strong and passionate and subtle, Ana, brilliant and sensitive , Irina....she was a cameleon!! Arpeghis, Cage, Barberian. Everything with such diversity, grace, humor and style!! and a superb voice. The audience was ecstatic.

 We took a  break and Wormsongs was on.
 That was the moment when it got to me. I was experiencing the tears. At first, just a small one. The music was beautiful and the visuals so intricate and sensitive at the same time. The more I followed them, the more realistic and sentimental in the same time they got.  Straight into my heart.
That was when   the second stage of tears came. I couldn't stop them, but they were not too many. What Henry was doing there was too interesting and my intellect was still prevailing.
But  the Wormsong Sleep came . The Lullaby. And Anat was magic and I cried. And I cried. And it was very dark so I could just cry in peace. The music was just beautiful. Too beautiful. That moment was happening in OUR FESTIVAL. There were people there, coming just to hear what we have prepared for them and  the immensity of this achievement was  so intense, so strong, so fantastic!!
My InnerTears were coming out. I needed to cry, for a long time, to cry for al the grief I have experienced in the last 3 years, but instead I cried for joy and happiness. And that felt so good!

After I chilled a little, I went down to the Chess game Irinel Anghel was playing with the audience. Her energy and imaginations has no limits. She made me feel so good over there. So I got into the  game, played chess, danced, sang with my friends.
It was the foreplay for the after party. It begun at the Peasant Club and ended at 3 and a half in the morning in the Old City where we went dancing and chatting.  I just wished time would stop right there. I want to take my new friends and their families and make them stay here forever. They love Romania, so why not? How is it possible that Henry and Diana and me  having almost identical PhD themes? I mean, it is the same problem of Memory and Time viewed from slightly (but significant) different angles. Or how is it possible to meet someone and to feel free to speak about what is on your mind without inhibition and with passion like we all did in these 3 days? and genuinely  listen? with REAL interest and care?   It this is just a small example of what we and our guests share in common.  Why be so far away? it is just NOT fair. I want to keep theeeeeeeeem! The whole InnerSound team wants that :)

 I went home very late, but still could not sleep in. And then came the SMS from Diana: ”someone came to me in the subway train and congratulated me for the festival. He said he has recognized me from last night. I begun to cry”
Oh yeah. Me too, what did you think?
The pictures from the walls needed to be  put down. I had a great help from my dear friend Cornel who gathered all the photos, the volunteers helped, the space was ready for the next exhibition of the Museum. We had a nice drink and meal and conversation (I have really missed Cornel for the past year...) and I went home.
This is when the second SMS came, from Ada. „Girls, I love you so much! I had a good cry today realizing what we have accomplished”
 I don' t have to tell you anymore what happend that instant :))

The first edition of the InnerSound  New Arts Festival  has come to an end. But „after the festival ” there is only the „before the festival” state. This is why we are doing it again. Those tears tasted way too good. And now I give you our Girls Diva team and the whole InnerSound team.
With love,
 happily crying Sabina

photo: Alma Ghiulea. 

From left to right, Diana Rotaru, Artistic Director, Ada Hotinceanu, our PR and  angel, Sabina Ulubeanu, Artistic Director

Photo: Henry Vega
Diana, Sabina, Catalin Crețu -President of Opus Association, Ada, Mihai Cucu -Visual Identity

28 august 2012

Ora 11, MTR, Sala oaspeti, deschiderea InnerSound!

25 august 2012

The show must go on?

A fost cel mai greu lucru pe care l-am facut vreodata.
Sa sa ma ocup de festival cand inima mea plange. Am reusit doar pentru ca este un proiect in care cred si care va fi minunat.
Cine a zis the show must go on cred ca luase ceva in seara aia :(
Pentru ca spectacolul nu va putea niciodata sa continue la fel.

Azi ne despartim pentru totdeauna  de trupul efemer care l-a gazduit pe Bibi, asa cum adevarat a spus Loredana.

 Iar eu astept luna septembrie ca sa pot plange in trei zile tot ce nu am plans in 3 ani, ca sa pot merge mai departe.

21 august 2012

Bibi. Un inger

Cum as putea spune printre lacrimi grele cine a fost Bibi? am inceput inca de dimineata sa scriu si nu imi gasesc cuvintele.

Cum pot sa spun ca nu mai e, cand inca il simt la mine in brate, cand am avut privilegiul si onoarea de sta de vorba, de a ne juca, de a ne zambi, pur si simplu de a intalni o astfel de faptura minunata, chiar daca doar pentru cateva ore.

Bibi a trecut prin aceasta lume cu o candoare si intelepciune ce reprezinta lectii pentru orice adult care a uitat de ce traieste.Bibi , cel care avea o curiozitate intelectuala iesita din comun, Bibi, un copilas care a trait in 2 ani cat altii in 10 vieti.Bibi, care nu a fost niciodata apatic, in ciuda bolii grele, Bibi, care a trait cu sufletul, nu cu trupul, Bibi, cel care reprezinta trimful spiritului in fata destinului.

In plus, Bibi a unit in jurul lui foarte multi oameni, a scos ce era mai bun din noi, ne-a daruit posibilitatea de a fi mai generosi, de a iubi mai mult.

Poate ca era mult prea minunat pentru a rezista aici. Poate ca suntem egoisti cand dorim ca fiintele acestea sublime sa ne lumineze viata.

Acum, Bibi ne-a ajutat sa ne amintim de ce e important, sa nu ne ferim de suferinta, de durere, pentru ca acolo unde este chin, este si multa fericire.

 Loredana si Bogdan sunt cei mai extraordinari parinti pe care i-am cunoscut vreodata. Dragii mei, sa nu va indoiti nicio secunda ca ati facut totul pentru baietelul vostru. Totul plus imposibilul.

Ma inclin in fata voastra si va iubesc nespus.

5 august 2012

..cu spini

Aniversarea de anul acesta a fost pentru mine una trista, umbrita de disparitia Mihaelei Ursuleasa, pe care nu am cunoscut-o direct, dar care a a fost un personaj important al copilariei mele de ”mica pianista ce se dorea compozitoare”, pe care am admirat-o in toti acesti ani, pentru cum canta, pentru ce exprima, pentru curajul de merge la Viena si de a o lua de la zero, pe care am compatimit-o atunci cand a povestit despre ororile de la lectiile de pian (de la torturile de pian mai bine zis), pentru care m-am bucurat cand am aflat ca a nascut o fetita, pe care o urmaream cu bucurie cand venea sa cante la Bucuresti, o fiinta despre care credeam ca va lumina cu talentul ei lumea inca multi ani de acum incolo.

Nu stiu ce s-ar mai putea spune. Inima mea e acum langa fetita ei, mi-as dori sa stiu ca ii va fi cat de bine se poate, ca va creste ferita de rautatea acestei lumi care isi inghite artistii, care ia totul in sala de concert si nu le da nimic inapoi, o lume care priveste ca la circ drama celor care daruiesc clipe de frumusete.

Mi-as dori ca moartea Mihaelei sa nu fie exploatata mediatic, sa nu existe intrebari indecente, sa se plece cu rusine in fata vietii ei de exceptie toti aceia care ar indrazni sa o acuze ca a facut prea multe.

 Nu stiu ce as mai putea spune mai mult, va las textul Adrianei, ca sa intelegeti de ce Mihaela trebuia ocrotita, ingrijita, crutata.....

3 august 2012

I am a rose

Maine vă scriu cum e pe 3 la 33:)
 azi însa simt ca ultimii 3 ani ar trebui într-un fel șterși cu buretele, în alt fel puși în vitrină...am înca nebuloase în ceea ce îi privește.

Cert e că cum e o zi frumoasă,  cu un pic de nori, ca am primit o cafea cu un trandafir alaturi, din gradina mea, care răspândește cel mai minunat parfum posibil. 

 Să ne bucurăm, zic.

1 august 2012

Alăptarea la câțiva ani distanță

Mi-am alăptat îndelung copiii, am fost la vremea respectivă o susținătoare activă a beneficiilor laptelui matern, ofer consiliere în continuare și voi încuraja din convingere alăptatul, (dar m-am mai înțelepțit și acționez doar atunci când sunt întrebată), iar cu toate astea  subiectul alăptare nu mai este atât de fierbinte pentru mine cum era la 23 sau la 28 de ani.
 E firesc, am încetat să alăptez acum 2 ani și 9 luni. Hormonii s-au mai liniștit, spiritele s-au calmat.

 Ce rămâne după?

 Nu rămâne partea nutrițională a procesului.
 Nu rămân nici greutățile.
 Nu rămâne nici o imagine absolut idilică.
 După o vreme trec și nostalgiile.

Pentru mine a rămas în schimb  memoria unor clipe de o dulceață infinită, memoria momentului când eram una cu copilul, sentiment considerabil mai dificil acum, când au 10, respectiv 5 ani.
Au mai rămas multe amintiri de zâmbete, joacă, drăgălășenie, iubire.

A rămas din păcate și faptul că dacă pierd o noapte, e ca și cum toate acele nopți revin în forță și mă simt la fel de obosită, a intervenit o uzură fizică.Poate că are totuși și alte cauze, să nu fiu nedreaptă.

Dar mai presus de toate, după toți acești ani, a rămas sentimentul că mi-am făcut datoria, că nu am dat înapoi, că am făcut tot ce credeam eu că e mai bine pentru ei, că m-am depășitcu fiecare picătură de lapte.

Pe mine, alăptatul m-a făcut ceea ce sunt acum.
M-a întărit și m-a cizelat în același timp.

La final, a rămas o persoană mai puternică, mai răbdătoare, mai curajoasă.
Iar tuturor ne-a rămas o mare, mare iubire pe care să o împrăștiem cu folos prin lume.